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Teenagers make it look so easy

aca22e34cab4648f23a354fb6f025b01Dan and I are trying to have a baby. There. I feel SO much better now that it’s out in the open, even though I’m sure Dan probably told you already because he’s overly excited and over-confident in his, erm, abilities.

But what I haven’t been open about, except to a few select people, is the havoc that “trying” is wreaking on my mental state. I’m not one to do anything half-assed. I’m one of those super annoying over-achievers who likes to get things perfectly right (except when it comes to cleaning). So when I didn’t get pregnant two weeks after going off of the pill I was extremely disappointed, especially because of my husband’s blind confidence.

When I was a few days late, he said, “You’re pregnant. I know because I have super sperm.” And I actually believed him. So when I took a pregnancy test and got my period four hours later, I actually felt a little bit of anger toward Dan and his super sperm. Why would you build me up like that, super sperm, only to let me down?! Totally misdirected, I know.

You hear all these stories about people who missed one pill and got pregnant. Or as my mom likes to say, “The women in our family only have to look at a penis and they get pregnant.” I envy those people and their supple uteruses. Those success stories are in abundance and instead of making me think, “This is so easy!” It’s making me think, “What if it’s easy for everyone I know, except me?!”

Something a lot of people don’t throw out in general conversation or offer up willingly is the stress that comes along with trying. But if you just ask, stories come out in full force and they’re not the ones you see on Facebook.

I realized that I started hearing the same things over and over:

“I tried for 14 months and the same month I stopped “trying” I got pregnant.”

“I tried for 4 months and as soon as I stopped obsessing about it and just had fun with it, I got pregnant.”

“I tracked everything meticulously on my app and as soon as I gave up, I got pregnant.”

The combination of these stories had me so convinced that my meticulous planning and tracking was actually stopping me from getting pregnant, that I deleted my ovulation app! The fact that I did this while drunk at an MSU game with Dan cheering me on has turned into a sober reminder that this is something I can’t actually control, no matter how much I want to.

I’ve never been told by a doctor, “You’re fine, you can get pregnant. Your body will do what it was designed to.” I’ve also never been told that it can’t. And it’s the NOT KNOWING that’s messing with my mental state, to the point where trying to have a baby went from being fun to feeling like a competition, which I’m losing according to the internet.

ADMISSION: We’ve been trying for 3 months TOTAL and I’ve taken at least 6 pregnancy tests, maybe more if I’m being really honest here. My excuse usually is, “I just want to make sure I can drink at [insert any event ever].” But each time I see one line instead of two a horcrux gets destroyed (Harry Potter reference).

Is it too early to get my eggs and Dan’s sperm tested? JK, that wasn’t a serious question. Unless you think it’s not too early, then it’s a serious question.

He and I actually got into an argument about it recently because he said, “You’ve got to stop taking pregnancy tests and worrying so much! This is supposed to be a happy thing!” And I replied with something along the lines of, “You’re not the one whose body actually has to get pregnant. You just get to have all the sex and none of the stress! LUCKY YOU.”

Basically, trying to get pregnant has had me feeling like this a lot of the time.

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But then I decided to start focusing on my health and happiness and in the last week it’s been working. I signed up for a tap class which I’m starting next week. I got a yoga chair for work that forces me to sit up straight. I can’t believe how much changing your posture helps change your outlook! I started a writing a group with a friend, which she named, “The writer’s circle for jerks” because she’s funnier than I am, and I made the dentist appointment that I’ve been avoiding for the last two years.

 

Plus, if I really sit down and think about it, without worrying over what’s beyond my control, I realize that it’s actually LUCKY ME. Because whether this journey that we just started on turns out to be a short, long, happy or sad one, at least I’ve got the person I want to go on it with. I just need to remember that more often…and I’ve really got to stop pinning baby stuff…but it’s all just SO CUTE!

5 Comments on "Teenagers make it look so easy"

  • laura says

    smart move, relax and enjoy yourself!! after you get pregnant, you sometimes have to barf in public, or waddle-run to a bathroom, so enjoy this time right now, when you have no spontaneous barfing or embarrassing waddle-run!

  • April says

    I’m completely understanding what you are going through. My husband and I are also trying, 5 months now. Everyone tells me the same thing, ” as soon as you stop trying it will happen”. With my control freak line tendencies it makes that easier said than done! :-)

    • Leah says

      I’ve yet to try the ovulation tests, but it’s next on my list if I don’t get pregnant within a couple more months. I’m actually going to see a midwife at the end of October who wooed me with the promise of being pregnant within a month if I go talk to her. She might be using witchcraft. We’ll see.

  • Kelly says

    Oh my god Leah, I swear you just took all of these words right out of my head and put them in a blog post. I’m in the same boat friend, and my Dan is going crazy at the amount of money I’ve spent peeing on sticks. Props to you for posting this! Fingers crossed for good luck for both of us on the baby front soon! :)

    • Leah says

      Good luck to you, too! If you ever want to chat about this journey we’re both on, don’t hesitate to message me.
      Same goes for you, April!

      Also, don’t tell your husbands I told you this, but if you buy the pregnancy test strips, they’re much more economical. It ends up coming out to about 50 cents a strip and you can buy them in bulk (25 at a time!). It’s totally an excuse to test more, which definitely doesn’t help the stress factor. But if you’re like me and you’re going to test every other day anyway, might as well use the cheap strips!

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