Dan and I are trying to have a baby. There. I feel SO much better now that it’s out in the open, even though I’m sure Dan probably told you already because he’s overly excited and over-confident in his, erm, abilities.
But what I haven’t been open about, except to a few select people, is the havoc that “trying” is wreaking on my mental state. I’m not one to do anything half-assed. I’m one of those super annoying over-achievers who likes to get things perfectly right (except when it comes to cleaning). So when I didn’t get pregnant two weeks after going off of the pill I was extremely disappointed, especially because of my husband’s blind confidence.
When I was a few days late, he said, “You’re pregnant. I know because I have super sperm.” And I actually believed him. So when I took a pregnancy test and got my period four hours later, I actually felt a little bit of anger toward Dan and his super sperm. Why would you build me up like that, super sperm, only to let me down?! Totally misdirected, I know.
You hear all these stories about people who missed one pill and got pregnant. Or as my mom likes to say, “The women in our family only have to look at a penis and they get pregnant.” I envy those people and their supple uteruses. Those success stories are in abundance and instead of making me think, “This is so easy!” It’s making me think, “What if it’s easy for everyone I know, except me?!”
Something a lot of people don’t throw out in general conversation or offer up willingly is the stress that comes along with trying. But if you just ask, stories come out in full force and they’re not the ones you see on Facebook.
I realized that I started hearing the same things over and over:
“I tried for 14 months and the same month I stopped “trying” I got pregnant.”
“I tried for 4 months and as soon as I stopped obsessing about it and just had fun with it, I got pregnant.”
“I tracked everything meticulously on my app and as soon as I gave up, I got pregnant.”
The combination of these stories had me so convinced that my meticulous planning and tracking was actually stopping me from getting pregnant, that I deleted my ovulation app! The fact that I did this while drunk at an MSU game with Dan cheering me on has turned into a sober reminder that this is something I can’t actually control, no matter how much I want to.
I’ve never been told by a doctor, “You’re fine, you can get pregnant. Your body will do what it was designed to.” I’ve also never been told that it can’t. And it’s the NOT KNOWING that’s messing with my mental state, to the point where trying to have a baby went from being fun to feeling like a competition, which I’m losing according to the internet.
ADMISSION: We’ve been trying for 3 months TOTAL and I’ve taken at least 6 pregnancy tests, maybe more if I’m being really honest here. My excuse usually is, “I just want to make sure I can drink at [insert any event ever].” But each time I see one line instead of two a horcrux gets destroyed (Harry Potter reference).
Is it too early to get my eggs and Dan’s sperm tested? JK, that wasn’t a serious question. Unless you think it’s not too early, then it’s a serious question.
He and I actually got into an argument about it recently because he said, “You’ve got to stop taking pregnancy tests and worrying so much! This is supposed to be a happy thing!” And I replied with something along the lines of, “You’re not the one whose body actually has to get pregnant. You just get to have all the sex and none of the stress! LUCKY YOU.”
Basically, trying to get pregnant has had me feeling like this a lot of the time.
But then I decided to start focusing on my health and happiness and in the last week it’s been working. I signed up for a tap class which I’m starting next week. I got a yoga chair for work that forces me to sit up straight. I can’t believe how much changing your posture helps change your outlook! I started a writing a group with a friend, which she named, “The writer’s circle for jerks” because she’s funnier than I am, and I made the dentist appointment that I’ve been avoiding for the last two years.
Plus, if I really sit down and think about it, without worrying over what’s beyond my control, I realize that it’s actually LUCKY ME. Because whether this journey that we just started on turns out to be a short, long, happy or sad one, at least I’ve got the person I want to go on it with. I just need to remember that more often…and I’ve really got to stop pinning baby stuff…but it’s all just SO CUTE!