I stole this idea from my “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” app, which I should definitely delete. I just can’t bring myself to do it though. Every day there’s a new tip, like “Don’t scratch your unbearably itchy skin or you’ll get stretch marks!” Or, “How to tell your DH (which I found out stands for Dear Husband) that you don’t feel like having sex tonight.” I thought you were just supposed to pretend to be asleep by the time he got out of the shower…or you know…actually BE asleep because this baby is draining every ounce of energy from you. Plus, if I delete my app, where else am I going to find out that our baby is the size of an onion this week? I love seeing those fruit/veggie based milestones every Thursday. Anyway, here’s the list!
You know you’re pregnant when:
You’ve only seen the first 30 minutes of every Walking Dead and True Detective episode this past season, because who can stay up all the way until 10pm.
You go into Walgreens for a toothbrush, leave with $75 worth of stretch mark lotions, acne cream (which doesn’t work on pregnant skin, by the way) and snacks…and forget the toothbrush.
You’ve decided that even after you have this baby it’s maternity pants for LIFE. Who needs zippers and buttons anyway? I’ve lived without them for the last month and miss them about as much as I miss being able to properly digest food. Wait, I do miss that. A lot.
You’re convinced that every gas bubble or general weird feeling in your stomach is actually the baby moving, even though science clearly states that it’s physically impossible for you to feel the baby this early.
You eat a Chicago hot dog every day for lunch for a week, and you’d have kept eating them for another week if your husband had purchased two packages of hot dogs. TWO!! Never buy a pregnant lady just one of anything, amateur.
You expect a high-five every time you have a normal bowel movement or you don’t throw up when someone cooks raw meat or eats red onions around you. Seriously, can the entire world just agree that red onions are off limits until around the beginning of September?
When your husband lists off the 79 things that he did today (most of them chores you’ve been avoiding) and then asks what YOU did today, you pull out the, “I grew a baby” TRUMP CARD without any feelings of guilt or remorse. That’ll shut him up quickly, or just seriously irritate him.
You cry the first time your pants no longer fit. Or because the never-ending project that is your DIY backsplash isn’t finished yet. Or because you can’t find the scarf you want to wear. Or because that stupid Zillow commercial came on where the woman walks into her newly-purchased house with her daughter and finds her army husband who was fighting overseas waiting in the empty living room to surprise his family. Gets me EVERY time. Or because your order was wrong and all you wanted in life was a happy home, a healthy baby, a stimulating career and a burrito without cilantro in it, DAMN IT!
There are so many more I’d like to add to this list and maybe I will a this pregnancy progresses, but it’s 9:45pm, which is way past my 9:30 bedtime. If you’re pregnant or have been pregnant or you just know people who are pregnant, I’d love to hear your own, “You know you’re pregnant when(s)”.